Ode To My Pubes

pubes

Pubes, oh pubes, you keep my vajayjay so warm and protected

Your hair is so shiny, curly and glistening

And we’ve come so far together, you and me

We literally grew up together

 

pubesI can still remember when you made your first appearance

When I just turned twelve

That was some year!

You arrived and so did my period

It was a bit scary all those changes but

Seeing you there made me realize that I am no longer a little girl

And womanhood was just around the corner.

 

As a teen girl in the ‘70s,

You were never an issue.

Those were the years when everyone

Was letting it all hang out

Waxing and shaving you?!!…inconceivable!

 

pubesBut as the years wore on, times changed

And just like fashion, your style changed with the times

Terms like “landing strips” and “lightning bolts” were introduced.

 

I was told that you were

Dirty,

Unsightly

And needed to be removed at all costs.

Stubbornly, I chose to ignore these opinions

And thankfully, there were lovers who never had an issue with you

Who actually enjoyed your presence.

 

The others however, hated you!

They claimed that you got in between their teeth

And stuck in their throats

And looked “gross”

“Ugly”

“Disgusting”!

 

So I did what any attentive girlfriend would do…

I got rid of you.

First, I took the easy route and shaved you away

But it wasn’t too long before I discovered how sensitive the area underneath you could be

pubesTo make matters worse, if I didn’t use enough soap or shaving cream,

My whoo-hah looked like the remnants of the Battle of Gettysburg

And disappointingly within a matter of days,

My vajayjay looked about as smooth as the top of Sinead O’Connor’s head.

 

My next foray into your removal was depilatories

Talk about an assault to the senses!!

The smell…the smell…THE SMELL!!

Nothing prepared me for the intensity and sheer stinkiness of that smell

And to make matters worse, for all the malodorousness I had to endure,

Depilatories were not 100% effective

There were still several of you that would refuse to be removed

Which then caused me to bring out the tweezers and pluck some of you rebellious little rascals.

Talk about pain!

 

pubesBut nothing, oh dear god, NOTHING prepared me for

The pain, the agony, the sheer TORTURE of waxing!

 

I shudder to think of the person (most likely a man), who invented this torturous procedure of Pouring hot wax on our private parts

And ripping off said wax in one fell swoop!

Yet after all the crying, drinking and moaning

I was however, quite fascinated at the “landing strip”

That now adorned the space that you once held

 

Soon though, landing strips

Turned into lightning bolts,

Which turned into triangles,

Which turned into stars!

Ahhh, the things we do for love…

 

pubesAnd speaking of love, once as a Valentine’s Day “gift”

I had you waxed into the shape of a heart

And as a bonus I had you dyed red

After two days however, you looked less like a red heart

And more like Bozo with a really bad rash!

 

But now as I’ve entered my fifth decade

I’ve come full circle and I fully embrace you.

 

No more do I pluck you,

Rip you

Or shun you.

I’ve fully come to terms with your appearance

And I’ve also managed to find someone who enjoys you immensely as well!

 

But now as I’ve aged however, I’ve come to notice you’ve become a bit sparse

Gone is the full, kinky, curly afro

Now you’re less kinky and there’s some bald spots where there used to be more hair.

A real jolt however, came when I noticed your first gray hair

It shattered me as it no doubt did you

But just like anything else, it was just a reminder of how far I’ve come in my life

 

So now dear pubes, I love you

I embrace you

I love how you keep my vajayjay safe and warm

And I love that no matter how many times I tried to get rid of you

You always came back stronger,

Sturdier

And more resilient than before…

Just like me!

Read more of Elaine’s work.

efpic
Elaine Furst
Elaine Furst works as an administrative assistant in a major entertainment /media company in New York City. Her passion however, is writing, photography and her Jack Russell Terrier, Lulu who is featured prominently in both. You can follow her musings both on Twitter and Instagram.
Share this:

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.


*