Unmask Your Inner Muppet

If I Could Change One Thing

muppet wikispaces.com

I firmly believe that everyone has a Muppet doppelgänger. Muppets are, of course, the most evolved sentient beings on this big rotating marble on which we live; therefore, all lesser life forms, such as humans, aspire to be like them.

Oh, yes. You may not realize it, but your personality is based on that of your spirit Muppet.

If you don’t agree with this premise, you may as well stop reading here. My world view is predicated on the belief that we should all be more Muppet-like. If you disagree – if you don’t think that we should all get along whether we’re black, white, or a seven-foot shaggy brown snaggletoothed monster – then perhaps you would be happier subscribing to breitbart.com and worrying about “New York values.”

Just saying.

I’ve loved the Muppets since I was a toddler. “Sesame Street” premiered when I was a toddler, and my older siblings and I watched it pretty much from day one. I fell in love with Kermit the Frog before I even understood what a celebrity crush was.

And I just had the most amazing thought: If they made a Muppets movie with human actors playing all the characters, it would be perfect casting to have Benedict Cumberbatch play Beaker, with Martin Freeman as Dr. Bunsen Honeydew.

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YOU CANNOT UNSEE IT.

Where was I?

Oh yes: Muppets.

Which Muppet am I? Which Muppet are you? The best thing about Muppetry (Muppethood? Muppetness? Muppetitity?) is that you don’t have to choose only one. Just as Muppets themselves are made of a series of interchangeable parts, so too can you mix and match their lovable personalities to create a colorful, happy avatar that represents the best version of you.

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WHY WOULD YOU NOT?

muppetMyself, I aspire to be Kermit-like. Kermit to me is Zen personified: He’s not perfect, he definitely has limits to his tolerance and equanimity, but he’s comfortable in his own green skin. He is unafraid to flail with joy when he is so moved. Who wouldn’t want to be Kermit?

On the other hand, the frog can be naïve and easily discouraged when things go wrong, and he has a hard time standing up for himself when faced with a formidable adversary (I’m looking at you, Miss Piggy). Fortunately, since I’m creating my own Muppetude from the entire spectrum of the Muppetverse, I can mix and match with other colorful, fuzzy personalities.

So I would add to my Muppet avatar a dash of Cookie Monster, who is gluttonous and impatient and uses terrible grammar, yet still manages to be completely endearing. I don’t know how he gets away with it, but I want a piece of that. Maybe not so much the bad grammar thing, though. Dude, “me want cookie” is beneath you. Really.

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www.ccoli.com

Then I’d add a bit of Bert. I know most people probably prefer easygoing, affable Ernie. But look: Bert has his shit together. Sure, he may be a bit uptight and possibly battling OCD. Yet he’s smart and confident. Dude likes pigeons and isn’t taking any crap about it. I love that. Bert and Ernie basically are the prototypes for Sheldon and Leonard on “The Big Bang Theory,” without the pressure to give them annoyingly quirky girlfriends when they run out of shtick.

Next, a healthy dollop of Rowlf the Dog. He is one of my very favorite Muppets. First of all, he plays a mean piano, which is something I’ve always wanted to be able to do. He’s also an accomplished actor, having played Dr. Bob on “Veterinarian’s Hospital” for all those years. And he maintains a truly admirable balance between gentleness and cynicism. Plus, he’s a dog. Who doesn’t want to be a dog sometimes?

Finally, I’d include several parts of Janis from Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. As the band’s lead guitarist, she is the ultimate cool hippie-chick. Being the only female member amongst a group of males (and whatever Animal is), she also possesses a strong earth-mother vibe. I think she’s sweet on bassist Floyd Pepper, but they have a very open, chill relationship, with no head games allowed.  She will not be brought down by your hang-ups, man. I want that ability. I want to be like Janis.

So there you have it: my composite Muppet-based spiritual ideal. If you reinvented yourself as a Muppet, who would you be? Create it. Embrace it. Share it.

I promise to flail for you.

Read more of Chuck’s work.

About Chuck Baudelaire

Chuck Baudelaire is adjusting to life as an ex-wife and single mom (spoiler alert: It’s hard, you guys). She lives in a cozy suburb of Dallas, Texas with her amazing daughter, a neurotic Siamese cat, and a rather enormous guinea pig. She writes about all these things, plus monkeys, on her blog, Always Drunk. Chuck Baudelaire is not her real name, and she is not the 19th-century French poet, although she can see how you might think that.

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