Vaccinations That SHOULD Exist


vaccinationsEveryone here in MURICA is arguing about whether to vaccinate their kids for things like the measles, mumps or chicken pox or just let them suffer through the diseases and pass them along to others.  Thanks to completely moronic celebrities and other people without medical degrees, claims about vaccinations causing conditions like autism have surfaced. Time and again, these claims have been proven false, but people who choose not to believe in actual scientific facts continue to deny their children life-saving vaccinations because (insert asinine celebrity name here) said so. The fact that vaccinating your child is even up for debate makes me stabby.

As you can tell, I’m a big believer in vaccinations.  Anything that will prevent me and those I love from having polio is all good in my book.  Also, as someone who has actually had chicken pox, I can tell you that I would not wish that on anyone, even Donald Trump. In fact, I think we need more vaccinations.  Even though we have shots to protect us from a host of diseases, we need to protect our children, and ourselves, from other conditions.  So, I came up with some much needed vaccinations.

vaccinationsThe Anti-Sass Shot, or ASS for short, would be given at age 10 or so.  It would keep pre-teens from feeling brave enough to talk to their parents like they are idiots.  This shot would save parents from having to hold themselves back from smacking the living shit out of their children, thus alleviating the need to drink large amounts of alcohol and take prescription medications until their children grow up and realize what little snots they were.  Families would have fewer arguments, and cirrhosis would be a thing of the past.

vaccinationsThe No More Questions vaccination would be given at age three, or earlier if needed.  It would shut down the “must ask 458 questions per day” part of a small child’s brain, which would keep parents from snapping “BECAUSE I SAID SO!” This vaccination would last three years.  Children would then ask all of their questions in school, as nature intended.

vaccinationsThe Anti-Fertility shot would be given at age 12.  Yes, I know we already have the Depo shot.  This shot would be different because it would be for boys and girls, and it would be long lasting. It would last until a fertility vaccine was given.  There would be rules about this fertility vaccine, too. Medical personnel would not be able to administer the fertility vaccine until a person could prove to be at least 30, gainfully employed, in a stable relationship or marriage, and in possession of a large savings account.  The world’s population would drop drastically, as you can imagine.

vaccinationsThe Drink and Puke shot would be given at age 11, or sooner if the child asks for a sip of your drink. This shot would do what it says by causing vomiting as soon as the child drinks alcohol.  The vaccination would last 10 years and could be repeated as needed. A liquid version of the vaccine would also be available to slip into teenagers’ soft drinks just in case they decide not to cooperate with getting this in shot form.

vaccinationsThe Assholism vaccine would be given at birth, with boosters given every 10 years or so. This shot is the most miraculous of all because it would prevent the person from, well, becoming an asshole.  No one knows exactly how assholes happen. It could be bad parenting or horrible genetics. There’s this whole nature vs. nurture debate. The point is we should be able to prevent Assholism with good, old fashioned science. Trust me; you can’t pray or wish away an asshole.  I’ve tried.  I had a starter marriage.

Note: the term “Assholism” was coined by my mother in 1970something when I was about eight.  Mom was telling my older brother and me that Uncle Soandso suffered from “assholism.”  My brother, age 17 or so, replied, “I didn’t know Uncle Soandso drank!”  I piped up with an eye roll and, “She said ASSHOLISM not ALCOHOLISM!”

I hope all of the above life and sanity saving vaccines are available before I have grandchildren.  I would hate to see my son and his future wife suffer through parenting tweens and teens someday.  Well, on the other hand, it would be entertaining to just smile and nod while watching it all happen.

What other shots do you think we need? Let me hear from you in the comments section.

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About Lisa Petty
Lisa R. Petty is a former stand-up comedian who decided she would rather just write funny stuff than deal with drunk people touching her after shows. When she is not cracking inappropriate jokes, Lisa is an online English professor. You can read more of her snarkasm on Petty Thoughts. If you like humor and cat pictures, you can follow Lisa on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. Lisa recently published Petty Thoughts, a humor anthology based on her blog.
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